Paranoia: Big D is at it again

It’s bloody freezing this morning and the mancub has just produced one of the most rancid nappies ever.  Bleurgh.  It’s too early for wine right?

I don’t know if it’s a side effect of Big D or the Fluoxetine but I’m so paranoid all the time.

A doctor told me last week I’m morbidly obese and likely to die under a general anaesthetic.

I am overweight, this I know, but I’m not a walking death sentence just yet and it’s triggered a weird paranoia thing.

I went to yoga and various exercise classes towards the end of last year, which I now can’t go to.  My head tells me I’m too fat, I can’t do it, don’t embarrass yourself.

I’m such a dick.

I heard a great quote once about worrying about what other people think about you, and it was along the lines of “well look at you all up yourself worried about what people think and full of your own self importance”.

It’s very harsh but it’s true!

When I walk into a room and my head tells me everyone is looking at me, laughing behind my back, it’s just rubbish, people are too busy worrying about their own lives to be picking holes in you.

And if they are picking holes in you, they need to get a life, sad acts.

I’m back to old ways in regards to eating habits, even though I’m sticking to a healthy diet I can’t eat in front of anyone apart from my family, I’m starting to become obsessive about eating again and I’m avoiding eye contact and just trying to blend into the back ground.

I don’t want anyone to tell me I’m fat, tell me to lose weight, or critique me physically or mentally at the moment, I’m finding it hard to cope with and I feel like everyone looks at me and I must disgust them.

Yesterday in town I had a major wobble.  I needed to go and get measured for glasses, I went in, took a seat and then my brain overheated.

I’m ugly.  Your face is fat. Are you really going to let someone measure your repulsive face?

I’m ashamed to say I had to get out quick before I had a panic attack, and once I’d calmed down with a decaf soya latte(limiting caffeine and dairy) I was mortified that I had done that.

We need to go out today and my body is fighting it, I just want to stay in and hide. 

Deep breaths, happy thoughts, I can do this.

L⚜️

Chronic Pain & Me

It’s 7am, and I should feel refreshed, full of energy, ready to go.

Instead I’m sat watching CBeebies and crying into my morning coffee.

Big D wise I feel better; four weeks of Fluoxetine and I feel more like me again.  It still really hurts my heart to write this but I’m getting proper rushes of love again for my nearest and dearest and it’s nice to feel things again.

When Big D is at his worst I feel nothing, life is all numbness and negativity, there’s no good, it’s just a fetid put of despair.

When my proper feelings come back it’s so nice but overwhelming to be feeling things again.  It also frightens me that mental illness can change me the way it does.

I had a hospital appointment last Friday, which I haven’t written about yet as I just can’t seem to get it out, but I was told I have six months to lose four stone and to be fit for surgery.

My tummy pain has gone completely with the Zoladex, but my joint and muscle pain has got really bad.

My GP is still unsure what has caused my chronic pain; Fibromyalgia, ME and Chromic Fatigue Syndrome have all been mentioned but as yet nothing has been diagnosed officially, but I have to take painkillers near enough every day and it is soul destroying.

My symptoms? Every time I get ill, tired, stressed, upset, shocked, or allergic to anything, every muscle, joint and bone in my body hurts so bad, and I get so tired it makes me feel physically sick.

It’s great knowing that those situations have the potential to knock me flat on my back for anywhere between three and fourteen days, and it gets me down, makes me scared!

I had Carpal Tunnl Release surgery in November 2016, which got rid of the numbness but seems to have caused so many more problems, and after my hospital appointment last week I’m so concerned.

As I type my hands and wrists hurt.  It’s like an ache that’s right in my bones and isn’t sharp but is so painful.  My wrists and other joints click continuously, which makes my hands hurt more.  I hate taking painkillers but I have no choice, I have constant pain all day every day.

I have an appointment in March as my GP says this isn’t normal, and apparently Zoladex can cause osteoporosis and arthritis and all sorts.  I’m so worried that I’m going to be like this forever, I’m 32 this year, my son is 2 and I can’t seem to get anyone to understand my concerns.  Plus they never told me the risks when I started the Zoladex…

What if they get s bad I can’t work? That can’t happen, we rely on my wages.

What if I have further surgery and it goes wrong?

For now, I need to stay positive and hope all works out ok.

L⚜

How do you like your eggs in the morning 

Yep, this is random as, I know.

But I bloody love scrambled eggs.  

Ever since I was little I’ve loved them all ways, cheesy, marmite, bovril, you name it.

And then from about my early teens it became the norm to microwave scrambled eggs.

Bleurgh. Gross.

And so from then until late last year I’ve not been able to stomach scrambled egg, the thought of that watery rubbery mess turns my stomach.

While in search of a happier and healthier life, eggs are the big thing. They are fresh,  cheap, and packed with protein, keeping you fuller for longer and very good for you.

Last year while I dabbled with a well known diet I actually ruined a frying pan using low calorie spray, that shit is terrible and I’ve since had to replace most of my pots and pans. 

Low calorie it may be but something that resembles plastic and is a serial killer of kitchenware can’t be good for you right?

Hmmm, fried eggs are out then and I can’t poach an egg for shit.

I was watching something on the tellie and they were talking about simple cooking skills that get overlooked, like pastry making, boiling an egg, omelettes and other really simple stuff.

This got me thinking: I want to make the ultimate scrambled egg.

Exciting right? (Don’t answer that…)

So I played about with a few methods, googled the shit out of it and I came up with what I think is proper tasty, filling and to me is the ultimate scrambled egg.

1. Free range eggs are the key here.  Firstly I don’t like the idea of caged hens, I love proper eggs sourced locally where I can see my chicken running about and having a happy life.  Secondly they taste so much better than caged hen eggs, I’m not wanting to get into any debates here but for me it can only be free range and we want awesome tasting eggs, so its win win.

2. Break 2-4(depending on how hungry/how many people) eggs into a dry clean bowl.  Make sure no shell gets in there, no one wants crunch in scrambled eggs.  Spew.

3. Using a fork whisk the shit out of your eggs.  Add a little salt and pepper as to your taste. Once mixed pour into small saucepan or milk pan and cook on a low heat.  It must be as low as you can get it.


4. Keep stirring. Stir stir stir. You can adjust the heat up a little until you start feeling the eggs catch on the bottom of the pan and then turn back down.  By turn up I mean to the highest low setting you have, stay on low all the time.  Did I mention low?


5. Keep stirring, it’s a slow process but worth it in the end.  You will get to a point where the eggs start thickening; just stir the shit out of them…


6. You are waiting for your eggs to be thick, silky and smooth, and slightly underdone, as they will continue cooking when taken off the heat anyways.  Photo 4 shows this consistency, kind of looks like Welsh rarebit or macaroni cheese.

7. Remove from heat, and serve, you can add anything you like, cheese and/or marmite is my favourite.  This morning I served mine on top of mushrooms and tomatoes. Yum.


My toddler loves it done this way, it’s also perfect for weaning as it’s not lumpy at all; the beauty is you can mix it up and hide things they don’t like in it. Handy for those bloody awful fussy eater phases.

It also doesn’t seem to smell eggy, and it’s not underdone at all – I do not like undercooked eggs, ever.  It turns my stomach, especially on a fried egg(I call it mingey when it’s like that, nasty word I know).

So there you go… either I’ve helped you on a new scrambled egg adventure or you have fallen asleep… 

L⚜️

My favourite quote of all time

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind

         Dr. Seuss/Bernard M. Baruch

I have tried to live my life by this for years; for me it’s simple but really makes me think.

I always want to try to be who I am and say what I feel; being me and being honest is so important to me, and every day I’m making an effort to always be myself and always be honest.

I’m a massive fucked up heap of depression, anxiety and illness, but I am who I am and I should embrace myself. Love myself.  Be proud of myself.

The last part is so true – those who mind don’t matter – anybody who gives you a hard time for the wrong non-caring reasons are just a waste of space and you don’t need them, they mean nothing to you.  Life is hard enough without having negativity in it. Be positive, reassess your circle, drink from that half full glass and eliminate negativity.

And those who matter don’t mind – family, friends, and any gorgeous people in your circle who love you for being you, will love you no matter what. 

When Big D is being a great big shit I try to remember this; because my head tells me no one cares, everyone minds.

Your true friends and family will love you no matter what, and will be there through thick and thin.

No matter how bad things get, never forget that you are amazing.

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

You, are YOU.

❤️

L⚜️

The Lazy Mum Winter Beauty Tips

Some days I’m a complete lazy bitch and today is one of those days.


I’m tired, everything hurts, no spoons and all that, and we need some food shopping.

I thought I’d do my usual ‘walk to the shop and walk further if we feel like it’ but I do not feel like it.  I want to be warm and fester in my small central heated house with my mancub.

I have longish hair, and it’s mega thick. I’m also a little baldy in places due to thyroid and menopause shitness, but for the most part I have a lot of hair.

(I’m talking about on my head by the way  and not the full body PCOS hairfest as per my previous post)

I used to be super obsessive about washing my hair, showering every day, lovingly nourishing it with shampoos and conditioners and masks and oil and all sorts.

And then I had a baby and there was no longer such a thing as a quiet shower.

Every moment is spent looking after and getting to know this new little human you have been given and have no idea how to look after,  personal hygiene takes a back seat.

Nowadays I do love a bath.  When the hubbo puts the mancub to bed I love having a lounge in a blistering hot bath and nine times out of ten I fall asleep in there.  Lush.

I try and wash my hair every other day, where possible.  I say where possible as it’s winter and The Lazy Mum’s Winter Hairstyle is possible.

Intrigued? Prepare to be mind blown.

This morning we needed to go to the supermarket, it’s a twenty minute walk, and hubbo has the car.

Once I’d got the mancub ready and wrapped up so warm he no longer the hubsds at the waist, I caught a glance of myself in the mirror.

Shit.  I look dog rough.

My left eyebrow had worn off(its half drawn on, I’m missing half because of a scar), I was still wearing yesterdays make up(what a skank) and my hair was on its third day and looked like I had bathed in chip fat.

Fuuuuuuck.

So, behold – my Lazy Mum Winter Hairstyle and beauty regime:

1. Attack face with a baby wipe. The brat has pulled one from the pack, it’s hit and miss as to whether it’s been used or not, but it looks(and smells) clean.  Scrub yesterday’s make up from face.
2. Wash fringe.  Wet fringe in sink and then use hand wash to give it a quick freshen up. Dry fringe on hand towel.  Comb.

3. Draw on eyebrow. Hair is cut so as to hide dodgy brow. Colour in the other one. Voila – you have brows.


4. Scrape rest of hair into Croydon Facelift style high pony tail. Secure with a band.  If you require any hair product, wet it and smooth it down.

5. Put hat on. Arrange fringe so looks effortlessly freshly washed and make sure no greasy hair escapes.  There you go – you are ready to go.  Feel free to apply some powder to face if you can be arsed.


Told you you would be mind blown.  I’m well aware this will change the world forever.

?

L⚜️ | Blog Owner & Unwashed Skank

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