Back to Fat Club

I’ve been on a slippery slope for a while now and with everything going on depression wise I’ve neglected my body.

Big time.

I’m not sure why I’m finding things so hard this time – I just can’t seem to find the motivation and willpower and I’m stuck in an awful mindset. Continue reading “Back to Fat Club”

A dark cloud named Depression

Today is a down day.

I cried twice in the night for no reason other than I just felt numb.
I don’t really feel anything apart from sadness and anxiety at the moment.
I felt bad when I woke up. I don’t want to live today. 
Every muscle and bone in my body hurts. My head is pounding. I’m exhausted. And I don’t care about anything. I just don’t feel anything. Just pain.
“Do you feel suicidal?”
“Do you feel like harming yourself?”

That’s what I get asked by my GP every damn week.
My answer? Not really.
It seems society rates your depression based on how much you want to hurt yourself, but that’s not how it is.
When I feel really bad I can’t really explain how it feels, it’s a strange feeling.
I just don’t want to exist anymore. I just want someone to flick a switch and make the pain go away.
Because to me depression is so painful – my inability to cope with life and the guilt around feeling so bad makes my heart hurt.
Do I self harm? Officially, no.
But I neglect myself – I let myself dehydrate because I can’t seem to make myself drink; it’s like my mind enjoys making me feel poorly.
I stop eating and then binge. This makes me feel terrible.
Is that not ‘self harm’?
I’m sick of society and it’s guidelines.  
I feel like a fraud every day because I have no reason to be depressed.
“I don’t understand why you feel like you do when you have a lovely life”
“There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just hormones”

“You look okay to me”

I wish I could beat this, once and for all.


I’m a sucker for Instagram shopping and I love to discover new and exciting things to try – much to the dismay of my bank balance.

I came across Motivacelet a little while back and love the idea- bracelets to count weight loss that are subtle but so pretty and you can use for a number of things.

It’s such a simple concept – you choose a bracelet and add counters per unit of weight you lose, and it can be your little secret or shown off to the world as you lose weight.

You don’t have to use it just for weight – why not count inches, centimetres, or anything you like.

I am pleased to say I have one of the beautiful Active bangles to give away to one lucky person – please see below to enter and good luck!

Enter Competition

Panic at the playpark

I’m writing this from my sofa, and it may not read well but I wanted to give a true account of a panic attack.

This morning I took to dog and the child out for a walk and although I felt wobbly this morning I managed to do my hair and make up and felt okay.

We didn’t get very far before the mancub played up so badly we had to turn around and come home.

He ran away from me and ignored everything I said. I know he’s only two but he’s not a bad kid and of late I’m struggling.

And I’m a struggler; I’m a strict disciplinarian and I don’t lose my shit.

After he ran off and the dog followed, I dragged them both home and cried.

And then it began.

I could feel my chest, neck and face burning and sweat began to pour from my face.

My chest started hurting, and I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath.

My tummy started cramping like labour pains.

I started shaking and crying and feeling like I was about to die; my throat was closing up.

My head was spinning, and I thought I would pass out.

It took about ten minutes for me to slow my breathing and calm myself down; and it usually takes a good few hours to feel right again afterwards.

I ache and I feel sleepy; my stomach is hurting and my head still muzzy.

This is reality and daily for me at the moment – and I’m so fed up with it.

An update on me & my mental health

I’ve abused my blog and not written an update in a little while so I figured I’d bash some thoughts and feelings out today.

I’ve been on Duloxetine for a while now; quite how long I don’t know as I’m having horrendous memory problems. Continue reading “An update on me & my mental health”