Today is International Women’s day; a globally recognised day celebrating the achievements of women everywhere.
I’m proud to be a woman, proud to be a mother.
I am terrible at self-love. I pick out the bad in myself and fail to recognise the good. It’s easy to forget the simple things, and just focus on the bigger bad things.
I figured I would honour IWD by writing a letter to myself, celebrating my good bits as a woman and a mother.
I’ll admit – I do find the whole ‘letter to myself’ thing incredibly cheesy but I loved writing this and it made me feel good. *high fives myself*
Good morning, how are you? Tired and in pain, I know, same as every morning. You are sat watching Postman Pat, aware of every single ache and pain in your body. You want to cry. You want to hide away in bed, you don’t want to get up and exist today. Let alone adult. Let alone parent.
Don’t you see how clever you are? Against the odds you grew a small human in your belly. You nurtured and grew that little human, and kept him safe for nine months.
You feel like a fraud because you had a C-section. Too posh to push people said. But you nearly lost your own life giving birth to your son. That’s no weakness, you are amazing. You let a doctor cut you open to get your baby out. You nearly bled to death. You got so poorly from an infection. You birthed your baby. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
You were scared, so scared. You didn’t feel right when he was born. You didn’t want him. You didn’t want to be a mum. You had wanted nothing but to have a baby your whole life. But you didn’t want any of it. Your body was bruised, cut and battered. You just wanted to die.
But you still lived. You still cared for your baby. You sought help, and you raised your child, even though you wanted to end it all. You were poorly, your head was poorly. You did your best. You felt like shit and you still rocked it.
28 months on, you still feel bad some days. You feel sad and numb. But you are a proud mummy, you know you are. You know you would do anything for your son and you love him more than anything in the whole world. You tell people that your experiences of birth trauma and post natal depression have made your bond stronger; made you appreciate what you have even more. You know its true, but you still feel guilty. You shouldn’t feel guilty – look what you have achieved and battled through!
William is growing into a beautiful, clever, feisty little man. And you did that! You care for him and love him, and make him the amazing small person he is.
He is so full of love, so caring and so bright. You made him, clever old bean. You fucking rock.
So sit and enjoy your coffee. Watch cartoons and enjoy snuggles under the blanket. You deserve it.
Despite chronic pain and mental health issues, you are doing it. You are living the dream you had always longed for.
Yes, it’s been a bumpy road. It’s been hard. But you are doing it, and you are doing your best.
Don’t ever doubt yourself.
Lots of love, Lisa xx