Anxiety, you great big SHIT.

Today is not good.

Today had so much promise.  I had a job interview, I was well prepared, I was excited, it was all looking good.

And I’ve woken up feeling so rough it’s ridiculous.

I’m so anxious I’ve been sick. Twice.  My chest hurts and I feel like I can’t breathe.  Mouth has erupted in stress plague(aka ulcers) and there isn’t much of me that doesn’t hurt.

For some reason whatever this virus is that is making me feel poorly, stress, upset and anxiety seems to be a huge trigger and I don’t know how to control it.

My clothes weren’t right this morning, I could smell garlic on myself, I have a spot, and such stupid little things were putting me on the verge of a heart attack this morning so I decided to be kind to myself and cancel the interview.

In any case, I’ve bottled it and I feel gutted.  But I’m not in the right headspace and hubbo said something that sticks in my head:

Problem is, babe, your current job might be stressing you out, so a new one will be double that, maybe it’s not best.

Truth be told I’ve felt totally alone in everything at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong my husband is amazing, but emotionally I feel so alone.

No one really knows what to say to me, so generally things just get ignored.  Especially my family, that’s not something I want to go into but I feel totally alone.

Next week I have an appointment with a mental health support nurse and I’m hoping something comes of it, I can’t carry on feeling like this.

I wake up in the morning, open my eyes, and for a split second I feel happiness and excitement.  But it’s always short lived; then the bad thoughts come in.  I want to run away.  I want to stay in bed all day.  If I disappeared the world would be a better place.  I’m tired, I feel physically ill, I just want to feel that split second of happiness again.  But it never returns.  Until tomorrow.

L⚜️

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