Wednesday 17th May 2017
I wrote last week about how depression is like a nasty friend that won’t leave you alone, called Big D.
I’ve tried to be as open and honest about my depression and how I’m feeling and of late I’ve not really written about it for a few reasons.
I’ve been having major wobbles about the direction my blog is going; and whether or not to keep the mental health part and just focus on parenting and lifestyle. Or whether to just quit for good, to be honest.
I’m also finding it hard to be honest with myself and admit how I really feel so writing about it has been hard.
I’m feeling pretty bad at the moment. Desperate is probably the best word.
I’m still not taking antidepressants. Even though my GP says I should.
My online counselling starts today but I know/feel like it won’t help or work, so it feels pretty pointless.
This next bit is the bit I’m struggling to talk about and write; I hate myself.
I hate how unhappy I am all the time yet I can’t seem to snap out of it.
My eating has become so bad I cry every time I eat or think of how fat I am and how I just want the weight to fall off.
I can’t look anyone in the eye. I haven’t really gone out at all recently, even to the local shop, as I feel so disgusting. I can’t do my food shopping for fear that I’m being judged by my fellow customers and the checkout staff for the food I’m buying.
I have no energy. I have a constant upset stomach and tight chest. I know these are a result of my low mood, stress and depression always tends to start manifesting into physical symptoms when I reach a certain point.
I feel so alone. As amazing as my friends and family are, I’m scared to let anyone in. I’m ashamed of how I look and if every doctor I see just says I’m overweight then how will anyone else believe me when I say I’m scared of food and I’m so full of self hate?
Again, last week, I spoke to my GP about all of this; she was really good and recommended counselling. But then proceeded to tell me how I need to lose weight and maybe I should try Slimming World again.
I’m at a point where I feel like my only option is to stop eating. I know that can never happen with me, but I just want to lose the weight and then maybe I can be taken seriously.
Because of my size people assume I just like food, love it in fact. They assume that I just eat too much, and I just eat junk all day.
How wrong they are, when I hate food, and I hate the thought of eating and I dread every meal.
On Instagram I see loads of models and personalities who are overweight and proud, and they flaunt what they have. I envy them but at the same time I can’t understand how they can be happy as they are and not be actively trying to lose weight.
I’m back to weighing myself multiple times a day again. I know this is making things worse, I know I need to bin the scales. But I’m too scared too – how will I know if I’m dieting right if I don’t have the scales to help me?
I know that everything I’m saying and feeling is toxic, I just can’t seem to stop it.
Depression wise I’ve felt worse; food and eating wise this is the worse I’ve ever felt.
It frightens me to be honest, I need to snap out of it.
If only it were that easy….