I couldn’t think of a better title for this post and the word itself just makes me think of Only Fools and Horses. Cwying….
But this word also best describes me today.
I can’t stop crying. I don’t think I’m sad; I don’t really feel anything.
My kid hit another kid earlier and I took it totally wrong and got really upset. A mix of embarrassment and anger I think, I’m not really sure.
I cried driving to a friends this morning for no reason other than we were listening to Disney songs and Under the Sea came on. What the actual fuck.
I was on the verge of panic all day. I don’t even know why. But I found myself counting to ten and taking deep breaths a lot.
I’m just going to say at this point I’m holding back; trying to dull down what I really feel.
I always say I keep it real and I’m honest so I’m going to go for it.
I can’t stand the way I look; I’m so fat and repulsive and I can’t bear to be myself. All I can see is a fat face and a huge saggy belly and I can’t bear it.
My head knows I need to lose weight but the binge eater in me just takes over. I eat and I feel guilty.
I feel so desperate about it; I can’t bear another summer feeling like this. I feel like I’m judged and stared at constantly because I am huge and I look terrible. I don’t particularly care what people think but I feel fat, ugly and like a nobody inside and out.
I have a banging headache – I’m dehydrated I know, yet again. But my head just tells me to suck it up, endure the pain and not drink. I guess it’s self harm as such.
I had to had a binge, I couldn’t stop it from happening. It’s like I become possessed. I wasn’t hungry but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt terrible doing it and even worse now.
I think Aunt Flo could possibly be coming to visit soon and maybe my hormones have gone a little crazy. Maybe it’s Big D giving me hell. My aches and pains have been bad so maybe I just need to be a little kinder to myself.
I’m sorry if this triggers anyone and I’m not feeling at all like I want to hurt myself or anyone else; just a hard day.
I want so bad to stay off the anti-depressants. I want to beat this. I just want to feel better so very bad.
I know I have to learn to love myself in order to be healthy, both mind and body, but it’s so very hard.