Crying

I couldn’t think of a better title for this post and the word itself just makes me think of Only Fools and Horses.  Cwying….

But this word also best describes me today.

I can’t stop crying.  I don’t think I’m sad; I don’t really feel anything.

My kid hit another kid earlier and I took it totally wrong and got really upset.  A mix of embarrassment and anger I think, I’m not really sure.

I cried driving to a friends this morning for no reason other than we were listening to Disney songs and Under the Sea came on.  What the actual fuck.

I was on the verge of panic all day.  I don’t even know why.  But I found myself counting to ten and taking deep breaths a lot.

I’m just going to say at this point I’m holding back; trying to dull down what I really feel.

I always say I keep it real and I’m honest so I’m going to go for it.

I can’t stand the way I look; I’m so fat and repulsive and I can’t bear to be myself.  All I can see is a fat face and a huge saggy belly and I can’t bear it.

My head knows I need to lose weight but the binge eater in me just takes over.  I eat and I feel guilty.

I feel so desperate about it; I can’t bear another summer feeling like this.  I feel like I’m judged and stared at constantly because I am huge and I look terrible.  I don’t particularly care what people think but I feel fat, ugly and like a nobody inside and out.

I have a banging headache – I’m dehydrated I know, yet again.  But my head just tells me to suck it up, endure the pain and not drink.  I guess it’s self harm as such.

I had to had a binge, I couldn’t stop it from happening.  It’s like I become possessed.  I wasn’t hungry but I couldn’t stop myself.  I felt terrible doing it and even worse now.

I think Aunt Flo could possibly be coming to visit soon and maybe my hormones have gone a little crazy.  Maybe it’s Big D giving me hell.  My aches and pains have been bad so maybe I just need to be a little kinder to myself.

I’m sorry if this triggers anyone and I’m not feeling at all like I want to hurt myself or anyone else; just a hard day.

I want so bad to stay off the anti-depressants.  I want to beat this.  I just want to feel better so very bad.

I know I have to learn to love myself in order to be healthy, both mind and body, but it’s so very hard.

 

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