I’ve never written my birth story. A few people have told me it’s strange that I haven’t when I have written so openly and honestly about everything else.
I’ve tried so many times; and I end up so traumatised and upset that I can’t continue.I recently discovered I had around 200 posts in drafts – 27 of those were failed attempts at writing my birth story.
You see, I was anxious and depressed before he came along – we were told we would never conceive naturally and so when we discovered a little miracle in my belly in March 2014 I was shit scared.
What if he didn’t make it? What if he was my only chance to carry and give birth to my own child?
Through fear I didn’t buy anything until 28 weeks when I was bought his first outfit. It was lime green and grey with a slogan on the front with a stupid hat that didn’t fit his huge head when he arrived.
“I love you, even when it rains” it said.
When he was born I became very depressed. I didn’t want to be a mum, I didn’t want my baby.
It broke my heart to feel so poorly and depressed when I had this amazing little person to love and nurture. He was everything I had ever wanted.
I used to tell him “I love you, even when it rains”.
I had lots of bad days when I felt very low; I considered taking my own life multiple times.
And then he would smile at me. Sometimes he would just gaze at me.
How could I leave him? He needed me, I’m his mummy and he needs me.
“I love you baby boy, even when it rains”.
Three years on and I found myself looking through a box of memories I started when he was born. His scan photos, first shoes, cards. And there it was – that first outfit.
I don’t think I will ever part with it – it reminds me that I’ve survived, and that I will continue to survive.
And I want him to always know that despite everything, I have always loved him and I always will.
I love you, son. Even when it rains.