I love you, even when it rains

I’ve never written my birth story.  A few people have told me it’s strange that I haven’t when I have written so openly and honestly about everything else.

I’ve tried so many times; and I end up so traumatised and upset that I can’t continue.I recently discovered I had around 200 posts in drafts – 27 of those were failed attempts at writing my birth story.

You see, I was anxious and depressed before he came along – we were told we would never conceive naturally and so when we discovered a little miracle in my belly in March 2014 I was shit scared.

What if he didn’t make it?  What if he was my only chance to carry and give birth to my own child?

Through fear I didn’t buy anything until 28 weeks when I was bought his first outfit.  It was lime green and grey with a slogan on the front with a stupid hat that didn’t fit his huge head when he arrived.

“I love you, even when it rains” it said.

When he was born I became very depressed.  I didn’t want to be a mum, I didn’t want my baby.

It broke my heart to feel so poorly and depressed when I had this amazing little person to love and nurture.  He was everything I had ever wanted.

I used to tell him “I love you, even when it rains”.

I had lots of bad days when I felt very low; I considered taking my own life multiple times.

And then he would smile at me.  Sometimes he would just gaze at me.

How could I leave him? He needed me, I’m his mummy and he needs me.

“I love you baby boy, even when it rains”.

Three years on and I found myself looking through a box of memories I started when he was born.  His scan photos, first shoes, cards.  And there it was – that first outfit.

I don’t think I will ever part with it – it reminds me that I’ve survived, and that I will continue to survive.

And I want him to always know that despite everything, I have always loved him and I always will.

I love you, son.  Even when it rains.

x

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