I never really take New Years resolutions seriously, always full of promises and not a lot of willpower, and usually I last about two days. If that.
2016 has been the usual bullshit for me, how I was going to lose weight, how I would be skinny, and driven by a number on the scales as per usual.
There is always so much emphasis on that bloody number on the scales. Or it’s all about BMI, or waist measurements, or clothes size.
For twenty years I’ve had some pretty bad demons in relation to food and my weight, I have tried every bloody diet under the sun, and done a lot of damage to myself by yoyo dieting, both physically and mentally.
I have an underactive thyroid that is on a rapid downward spiral, which doctors tell me I made worse or even caused by starving myself and bingeing.
This then makes the dodgy thyroid worse, which kills my metabolism, drains any energy I have, and then makes Big D seriously shit.
The GP then adjusts my levothyroxine dose, sends me on my way and it takes my body 4-8 weeks to right itself again. I feel good, and the vicious cycle starts again.
I’m hugely overweight and I have a huge issue with overeating, bingeing and starving. You have no idea how hard it is to write that for the whole world to see, but I have to come to terms with my issues and I like to think if it’s out there and not hidden away it’s real.
I have been trying some different techniques of late – to try and retrain my brain and attempt to remedy problems I have had and hidden for twenty years, bloody hell its hard.
If I cut my leg I can stick a plaster on it. But a poorly mind? Nope – it takes a long time and only you can fix it.
I’ve had so many comments made in the past that have done so much damage, from family, friends and complete strangers, and I am ashamed to say I hate myself.
My weight dictates my whole world and other people’s perception of me, and those thoughts are always there.
Anyhoo. New year. New start.
And all that bullshit.
But I have one huge resolution, one that I am determined to stick to.
I am not going to weigh myself, or measure myself at all in 2017.
Obviously if a doctor needs to weigh me, that doesn’t count. Or if I need a new bra(which I do, I’m desperately lopsided in my trusty m&s number.
But I am done being obsessed about my weight, and about everything being about weight.
“You look great, how much weight have you lost?”
Who gives a fuck how much, I feel fucking fabulous.
That’s what I’m aiming for, I am eating for health, focusing on nutrition, eating for a healthy mind, body and soul.
Of course it’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
I’ve treated myself to a couple of new eBooks, to get myself in the mood.
The first is by some bird called Leslie Sansome who is apparently huge in the US for her ‘Walk at Home’ workouts, my thinking is I can curb boredom and binges by finding ways to get moving at home.
The second is ‘Managing Depression through Exercise’ and is complete pot luck, it randomly came up on Google search, and looks interesting.
So yes, all good. I’m depressed as fuck but I will change that.
Here’s to a happy HEALTHY 2017