This is coming straight out of my brain onto to paper(well, keyboard) so I apologise if it makes no sense, if you have read some of my posts already you will know that I write straight from my head and heart and it’s a mess in there. I’m also going to talk a little about binge eating so I should probably say if you are reading this and this a possible trigger for you, be warned.
I’ve just got back from the gym and it felt really good today; I was sweating like a bitch and I loved every single minute.
I already feel a teeny bit stronger and I’m finding this time around I’m loving the weights and strength training. I used to be a complete cardio whore and although I still enjoy it, I get such a buzz out of lifting weights and feeling different muscles working.
I left the gym STARVING; I had a diet whey protein shake in the car which I demolished pretty quickly plus a litre of water – I’ve been getting my nerd-on and reading about how water and protein is important post-workout, plus how it’s a great time to have some carbs, especially within the hour as it helps your body recover.
But I am completely clueless and the way I am eating is totally alien to me.
I’ve spent years yo-yo dieting and eating as little as possible, and now I’m focusing on changing my lifestyle forever and making changes that I can stick to.
It’s so hard; the binge eater in me analyses every bloody thing I eat, and then proceeds to tell me how fat it will make me.
Take this morning, for example. I felt so good yet as soon as it came to thinking about eating I totally freaked out. I had a mushroom and spinach omelette, a tiny good-quality sausage, a small slice of tiger bread and a few hash browns that the boys had left over yet I feel so guilty, and like I have wasted a mornings work.
I know I have to eat, but my brain is pre-programmed to starve, binge, starve, binge.
I feel really low at the moment and I think this a huge part of it; I need to change my mindset and get my head around it but I really don’t know how.
According to my GP this week I am neither fat enough nor thin enough to warrant any help apart from being told to ‘lose weight’, despite crying to her about how every damn doctor recently has taken great pleasure in pointing out my morbid obesity.
I feel really lost, talking to someone at the gym I feel like I would benefit massively from counselling and some decent nutritional advice but that costs money I don’t have.
So I guess from getting all of this out, I need to sort the eating out, and get my head in check, I’m just going to end up starving and bingeing again otherwise.
Where do I go from here? What do I do?