Son, Mummy is Sorry

Dear William,

I wanted to write you a letter this morning, to tell you how much I love you.  I tell you every day, every moment I get, how much I love you.  I would do anything for you, you are my life, and my true love.

I read an article this morning about the instant bond between a mummy and a baby when a baby is born.  It spoke of an immediate love and a strong, unbreakable bond, that exists from the moment a baby enters the world.

William, I’m sorry, this didn’t happen for mummy.  I knew I loved you, I knew I would do anything for you.

But I was so very poorly; it was the greatest moment of my life when I met you.  Mummy and daddy had waited for you and wanted you so badly for many years.

I want to be honest with you – I want you to learn that being honest and true and saying how you feel is always the very best thing to do, and I want you to always be honest with mummy and daddy.

Mummy got very poorly when you were born; so poorly that the doctors and daddy were very worried about mummy.

Being so poorly made mummy’s head very poorly.  Mummy couldn’t think straight; and the nasty illness in mummy’s head made mummy very unhappy, and very sad.

Deep down mummy was so happy, she had all she ever wanted.  But the naughty illness in mummy’s head made her angry, and sad, and it stopped mummy from feeling that first rush of love, and that immediate bond.

Please don’t think that mummy didn’t love you – sometimes when people have poorly brains it makes them feel differently about things.

Looking back, I wish I could have been so very different.  But at the same time I look at you, my beautiful, handsome, clever boy, and I know I couldn’t have done any better.

You say please and thank you.  You tell mummy and daddy that you love them.

You have hit every milestone and you are growing into an amazing little person.

Mummy sometimes gets a little bit sad sometimes.  But you remind mummy every day how far we have come and how strong our love is.

The bond we have now is unbreakable – you are my best friend, my true love, my greatest creation.

I hope you understand, mummy has never stopped loving you, my love for you has grown every single day.

We have overcome every struggle, and found happiness in every single day.

I love you, William, always and forever.

Mummy

XXX

 

10 thoughts on “Son, Mummy is Sorry

  1. What a beautiful letter!!! I love your open honesty!!! Life doesn’t always go as we want it to or plan for. I am so glad you are doing better! I hope you read this to Willliam one day and that mothers everywhere get a chance to read it and know they are not alone!

  2. I didn’t get that immediate rush of love with my first..I just felt terrified, in loads of pain and shocked. I did with my second though, I loved him instantly. This is something I feel guilty about sometimes but I think it’s more normal than we think to not have that instant love. Sorry to hear you were so sad for a long time but glad to read you’re doing better now. Thanks for linking up to #BlogCrush xx

  3. This such an honest and beautiful post. I love how open you are and I’m so happy you have made progress, I have no idea how it feels to not have that bond and struggle this way Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

  4. It’s so brave of you to write about this. I totally agree that being honest about how we feel is the best way forward. I hope you carry on feeling better, even with a few bad days it’s progress! Thanks for sharing such an honest post with #Blogstravaganza, hope to see you again next week xx

  5. That’s so lovely. I had a similar experience with adopting my two kids, the bond wasn’t immediately there I had to really work at it. But when a new baby / child arrives there are so many emotions and hormones in a jumble, I guess that first hit of love doesn’t happen to everyone, but somehow you just love your kids, you really do. #KCACOLS

  6. So beautiful. i’m sorry you had to go through this experience, but it is so great you are talking about it and letting other women know that it does happen! William is one very lucky boy to have a mummy who loves him so much.

    #KCACOLS

  7. Oh being a mother of boys this post made my heart skip a little faster. I like you did not get a sudden rush of love I just felt total relief if was over and everyone was safe and well. My first feelings were of a deep protection that I would give my life to this little bundle. Love however grew with time and the bond that you speak of got stronger and stronger and like you say is totally unbreakable. Lovely post xx #Blogstravaganza

  8. Such a lovely post. I didn’t get that rush of love either – I swear it hit me weeks later. I KNEW I loved him but I don’t think I felt how much for a good while. I make sure I tell him every chance I can now to make up for it, not that it’s something I need to make up for – traumatic births and PND do strange things to a person! #blogstravaganza

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