There goes my optimism…

Ok I’m going to be honest, and put this out for the world to see.
I’ve struggled with depression for years, to the point it’s making me really poorly. I get chest pain, I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep. Sometimes I’m even sick.
After having the mancub I was in a really bad dark place. Yes I’ve got better but every so often it comes back again.
I don’t want to take anti depressants, I don’t want to mask my problems.
My gp referred me to a mental health nurse. She was amazing, she listened and encouraged me to get it all out.
She said I could be referred to secondary care mental health services and they would be able to give me the help I need.
Earlier this week I told every part of how I feel to the secondary care. I told them how bad I feel most of the time, how I just can’t pull myself out of it.
They asked me if I wanted to end it all – or I would harm anyone else. I said no because it’s the truth, I don’t want to top myself or anyone else.
Today I got their verdict.
3-6 month wait for counselling and see a health trainer.
So yet again, no help when I need it.
Yesterday was “Time To Talk” day where the initiative is to end the stigma around mental health.
Right now I’m angry, what a load of bollocks! What’s the point in talking about it when there is no help apart from happy pills?
My thyroid packed up and I got very depressed when in 2012. I had to pay privately for counselling as my gp couldn’t help.
My husband told my midwife I was depressed and he was concerned when I was 20 weeks pregnant. Nothing was done.
I gave birth in November 2014 and I was not right at all. I didn’t want to be a Mum, I just wanted to die. Yet all midwives and doctors did was tell me to breastfeed and bond with my son and tell me how I should be feeling. That experience still haunts me to this day.
Three weeks later I spoke to my gp, she gave me happy pills and told me my health visitor would support me. I saw my health visitor once and she told me she wasn’t mental health trained and there was no support.
November 2015, the mancub had a one year check. That was the next time I saw a HV. She apologised and said there was a specialist Mum and baby group I could go to and it was for people who had depression and would help.
One week later she phoned and told me there was no spaces and she would call me when there was.
And I’m still waiting.
I’m sorry if this offends anyone but I can’t help but feel completely let down.
If I cut my hand open, a doctor would clean it, stitch it, stick a plaster on it.

If my stitches popped out, they would re stitch it. My plaster fell off? They would stick another one on.
But invisible mental illness? There is no help whatsoever. Just deal with it. Take a pill, get on with it.
I don’t want sympathy, I just wanted to speak out because I’m determined that no one else should ever feel like this, it’s not fair and it’s no way to live. Some days I can’t go out, I just want to stay in and cry. At the moment I find it really hard to face people some days.
But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I’m better than this stupid illness in my head.
And I have my amazing husband and miracle little boy to keep me going every day.
I’m sick of being ashamed of this and making excuses, I am what I am.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”
Xx

One thought on “There goes my optimism…

  1. I’m so sorry your being let down by the system in place to help you. I KNOW the NHS is understaffed and overstretched but depression doesn’t wait until it’s allotted time to strike.
    I don’t know you or your family friend situation but I hope you have someone to turn to, to talk to? I appreciate it’s more difficult to speak to people who actually know you. You’re absolutely correct though, on the one hand it’s all ‘talk about it break the taboo’ and then ‘but not to us, we’re busy’. It’s a sad state of affairs.
    I wish I could say something to make your day a little better.
    Stay strong mama 🙂

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