A confession

I have a confession to make.
I’ve fallen out of love with blogging.  And I’m really sad about it.

From starting out eighteen months ago it’s changed my life in more ways than one.
It’s been my own personal space to vent and it’s massively helped my mental health.  I’ve been able to connect with bloggers and followers who have suffered similar things and together we’ve helped each other.
I’ve made some amazing friends in the blogging community who I’m now proud to call my closest friends.  I’ve even made friends with people I’ve never met – people I speak to most days, people who have taught me how to blog and how to deal with my issues and how to grow as a blogger, a mother, and a person.
I’m proud to have grown a following of over 9,000 people in the last eighteen months – and every day I thank my lucky stars that I discovered something that has changed my life.
But blogging has it’s downsides – inevitably there are people who disagree with you.  And that’s okay – I’m a huge believer in the common sense that you will never be liked by everyone, if everyone liked everyone the world would be a boring place.
There are people who take this to the next level – they go out of their way to upset and offend bloggers, to ‘troll’ them and to make them feel bad.  But this is a part of putting yourself out there for all to see – and it doesn’t bother me.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I accept products and payments for articles and reviews – in the last year I’ve made a few pennies that have helped me in times of desperation when we’ve been unable to afford food shopping; it’s even taken us to places that I’d never have been able to afford to go.  Hamleys and Paultons Park being my highlights – to see the excitement and happiness in my little man’s face makes all the hours writing and editing worth it.
But I recently wrote about how some bloggers(or influencers, that seems to be the trendy word these days) are paying their way to the top.  I’ve seen with my own eyes people buying followers on Instagram – jumping from 12,000 followers to 25,000 overnight.  And 500 likes on a post that is boring and crap.
Brands and PRs are wising up to this – they are starting to take note and hopefully one day they will lose everything and have their reputation ruined.  Harsh, I know – but when they post about trips to theme parks and holidays and flaunt it when they have paid their way to the top and ultimately committed fraud – it’s soul destroying,
And I’ve found myself becoming obsessed over trying to secure collaborations and paid articles.  And because I’m getting knocked back an awful lot it’s affected me in a more negative way than I thought.
I will never complain about being paid to blog, even the dodgy links for mere pence – money is money at the end of the day and needs must.  But I’ve become so consumed with paid jobs I’ve completely lost my love of writing.
It hit me at 3am this morning that I started this blog as an outlet, as a way of getting my thoughts and feelings out, and I’ve not been doing that.  I’ve become obsessed with writing articles that I think people want to read, and completely lost who I am.
I cried at 3am this morning – I couldn’t sleep and I was consumed with grief from losing my Nan, pain from my Ankylosing Spondylitis and worry from my naughty threenager and life.  I cried because I’ve not been talking about how I feel, I’ve been bottling things up.
I got up and made myself a cup of tea(because tea fixes everything) and sat downstairs with a notebook.  I poured my thoughts and feelings out onto paper, I cried a lot, and I remembered why I started this blog.
Ultimately of course I want this blog to grow – to reach more people, to help people struggling with mental and chronic illness, parenthood and to just touch one person and make a difference would be my ultimate goal.
So I’ve made the decision to step back from monetising and reviewing for the time being.  I’ve left and de-registered from all sources of reviews and paid work, to ease the stress and to try and focus on writing.
I want to go back to basics – to wake up in the morning, open my laptop and to write whatever is brewing in my head.  I’ve written in the past for other bloggers, mental health websites, The Motherload and I’m about to start writing for 5WHYZ(launching soon) and I really want to get back into writing the funny, edgy, gritty and sometimes completely random shit people seem to like me writing.
So, that’s where I’m at – keep an eye out for hopefully some new and different content coming soon.

2 thoughts on “A confession

  1. Good for you! I am just a little blogger in a big blogger world and I’m ok with that! I’m proud of you for taking a step back and re-visiting why you started in the first place. By the way, I love your blog and found your piece about those who cheat their way to the top very interesting. I didn’t even know that was a thing and now I Do!! Keep being you, those that love you will continue to love you and and those that don’t, don’t matter anyway!

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