Yesterday was one of those crazy days; I felt like I didn’t stop all day and I felt every emotion going.
My anxiety is through the roof at the moment – I’m exhausted trying to rein it in and keep myself going, and yesterday was like living on the edge.
I had a call with a new counselling service which again I had to refer myself to – I’m sure they are amazing but I’ve not had great experiences and I was hopeful that this new one was going to be exactly what I needed.
The call didn’t start well – after trying to wear the dog and child out at the park I had no signal and so the assessor became very frustrated with me and as usual this made me panic – once I’d driven five minutes down the road she then kept telling me how short we were on time and just making me feel really bad.
I didn’t feel like I wanted to trust this person – and that’s a huge thing with mental health; being able to talk and not feeling scared or judged.
Things went badly wrong when I was being asked some really personal questions about my living situation and then she asked me for the boy’s full name, details and all sorts of things. I asked why this was relevant to be told that because of my scores there might be concerns for his well-being and so she wanted to make sure he was safe.
And then I completely lost it – I could feel the panic building in my chest; I was so frustrated – there is so little help, support and understanding of maternal mental health and it’s not fair.
I have said before and I’ll say it again – my little man keeps me going – he is my everything and without him I wouldn’t be able to get through this. I would never hurt him or hurt myself, he needs me and I need him.
I told the counsellor I couldn’t continue as I felt she was making me out to be a bad mum and put the phone down.
I settled the boy in front of the TV with a bag of crisps and went and sat upstairs; I was having a a panic attack and there was no way of stopping it.
It was a bad one – I could feel the heat rising from my chest, up my neck and through my head. My eyes went blurry, I felt like I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t breathe – it felt like my chest was being crushed and my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was going to vom.
I didn’t know what to do, it was pure frustration and desperation – I just want to get better, I just want to stop this physical pain and to be the best mum and best ‘me’ I can be.
I have an appointment with the GP tomorrow and I have written everything down, I want to go in with a clear head and tell them exactly how I am feeling. I also know that the general anti-depressants aren’t for me and I won’t take them anymore, my issues are anxiety-based and that’s the bit that needs fixing.
Today will be a better day.