I have this friend called Big D.
We have been friends for as long as I can remember, and he is always around.
I wake up to multiple missed calls and voicemails from him, telling me how horrible I am.
He lets himself into my house of his own accord, I never gave him permission to do so.
On days like today he is sat beside me, telling me how fat and ugly I am.
He’s telling me to not bother getting dressed, how I look awful and there’s no point going out.
He’s taunting me so badly my chest hurts. I’ve noticed he is stressing me out so much my hair is coming out in clumps.
When I was pregnant Big D was worse than before. He told me I would be a bad mother, and filled my head with worries about my unborn baby.
When the mancub was born I just wanted some space to bond with my baby, but Big D still wouldn’t leave.
Big D never left my side, he smothered me. I didn’t understand why he was so nasty.
“You don’t love your baby” he said; “you would be better off dead“.
He stopped being quite so bad when my son reached a year old.
Or maybe I just stopped listening, I’m not sure to be honest.
He still never left.
Big D tells me that eating makes me feel better; he sits on my shoulder and tells me to eat all the bad food.
“Once you have eaten the whole pizza you will feel amazing” he says.
“But I’m full, Big D, I don’t want anymore” I tell him.
“Bullshit” he says, “you can’t leave any food to waste, what a waste of money, what a waste of food, eat the whole lot“.
Afterwards he taunts me again.
“Why did you eat the whole pizza? You fat bitch, you are so weak, you have no strength or willpower” he says.
After filling my head with negative thoughts and winding me up, Big D fucks off and leaves me to stew.
He is always there for me, but he never has my back.
Big D is bad for me, he’s a bad influence and he makes me sad, yet why can’t I tell him to go away?
Why can’t I find the strength to not listen to him?
Some days when Big D calls, I tell him I’m busy and I don’t have time for him. I feel great on those days, I don’t need Big D, and I’m happy and I know I don’t need him in my life.
But other days I feel a little bit shit and he just lets himself into my house, parks up on my sofa and won’t leave.
He’s that sort of friend who expects me to wait on him hand and foot, and insists on dictating my every move.
He tells me my house is a mess, tells me I’m a bad mother and I’m doing it all wrong.
When I get dressed he tells me I look terrible, and I look fat.
“You should probably wear that big cardigan, and hold it around you. Best you cover up your fat stomach, no one wants to see it” he says.
He tells me to eat all the time, yet as soon as I put a mere morsel into my mouth he tells me how I shouldn’t be eating as I’m morbidly obese and I don’t need food.
“Okay I won’t eat, Big D, I’ll throw it away” I say.
“You can’t do that” he says, “food makes you happy, remember how nice it tastes, you must eat all of it“.
Big D is always there to rely on; he comes along to all of my doctors appointments.
He has a great memory, he remembers everything the doctor says.
Actually, he only remembers the bad things. And he tortures me with them.
The doctor gave me some magic pills once. They made Big D go silent, it was great, I couldn’t hear him anymore. I knew he was there, he never went away but he was quiet.
But the things he had said to me never went away. I still remembered him telling me how fat I was, and what a horrible person I was.
I stopped taking the magic pills and faced Big D again.
Initially I cried a lot. I told Big D I didn’t want him around anymore.
“I will NEVER leave you, I will be here forever” said Big D, laughing.
One day I decided I needed to face Big D and confront him.
I sat down with Big D, and asked him to tell me why he is so horrible and so nasty.
I got no answers, just that he was there and would never leave.
“I can’t let you win anymore Big D” I said. “I have to make you nice again, if you won’t leave, we have to make things right again. We have to learn to live together“.
I sent Big D home, said we needed some space from each other. He didn’t want to leave.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, you’ll not change me” he said.
“Just watch me” I said, smiling, and waving goodbye.
But then I remembered something:
“Big D – I don’t know your name, tell me your name” I said.
“My name is Depression” he said, smirking.