I’m not sure what this is to be honest – prose, poetry, or just a few lines of complete shit.
This morning I found myself crying in the kitchen because I was in so much pain I didn’t know what else to do but cry. I had so much to do – chores, make the packed lunches, get both of us ready and the boy off to pre-school yet I was so overcome with pain I had to hide in the kitchen and have a cry.And it broke my heart, because I didn’t want the mancub to see me upset yet I feel so weak and stupid for not being able to cope sometimes.
To an extent I can deal with the pain – I take some of my scary-arse painkillers, wait an hour and aside from everything aching and feeling woozy the pain eases for the most part.
But its the emotional side of things that I just can’t cope with. I find myself getting so distraught because I don’t want to be in pain, I can’t be in pain when I have to be a wife, mum, go to work, and live my life.
It hurts my heart that I can’t be a ‘normal’ mum – I want to be able to go about my business and do normal things. Today I couldn’t even lift my hands to brush my hair, I couldn’t even grip the zip on my coat.
It’s hard to explain the mental side of things – I feel like I’m so overwhelmed and so distraught that I could burst. And for some reason while I hid behind the fridge sobbing I decided to pick up a pen and write.
I don’t know how I feel about the words that came out on paper – they came straight from the heart, and I debated whether or not to publish them here.
So here goes.
Crying in the kitchen – the reality of being a parent with a chronic illness
Chronic illness – it never goes away, there is no escape
Some days you feel great, some days the pain is so bad you just want to give up
Today everything hurts, it’s engulfing me
I’ve not really slept, I’m exhausted
But I have to get up – I have to be mummy
Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I just have one day pain free?
Today we were playing, having fun
But mummy’s pain got too much
“Mummy will be right back” I said
And now I’m hiding, crying in the kitchen
Crying because everything hurts
Crying because it makes me sad
Crying because I feel like a terrible mummy
Why? I’d never leave you, you are my world
But some days mummy can’t be strong
Some days mummy can’t take you to the park
I hope you never remember me wincing in pain
I hope you know how much mummy loves you
I hope you always remember how much mummy tried to be normal
I’m sorry, my love, for being in pain, for being a little bit rubbish
I’m sorry for crying in the kitchen
In you trot, you come and find me
“Let’s do drawing” you say, excitedly
And so I dry my eyes, put on a smile, and we go and do drawing
Please only remember my love, and the good times
Please never remember me crying in the kitchen.
I don’t know how I feel about those words to be honest, hurt, embarrassed, upset – but they epitomise the reality of chronic pain and having to be a parent sometimes.
I’d love to hear what you think, before I bottle it and remove it through embarrassment and regret…