Dear sodding Diary: a rough couple of days

Thursday 9th August 2018

Dear sodding Diary,

I wrote a couple of days ago about going back to basics and blogging my guts out onto paper(well, screen) and so that’s exactly what I am doing.  It’s now 7pm and I’m at work, on a long-arse 13 hour shift.  I’ve been really struggling recently – my mood is up, down, around and all over – hence why I’m going back to the beginning and using my blog as an outlet.

I’ve seen E, my counsellor for nine months now, and she is fab.  It’s the best decision I’ve made, even though it costs £15 a week it’s worth every penny.  For one hour a week we work on my demons and I’ve learnt so much about myself in the last few months.  It’s a local Christian counselling service and they observe holidays so it works really well around preschool, which saves the stresses of sorting childcare.  But I’ve not been for a few weeks and I’m not due back until September and I’m struggling a bit.
Losing my Nan has literally shattered my world in many ways – every single day I feel my face crumple and I shed a few tears because she’s not here anymore.  She was always there to pop in on, to have a chat with, and she was a massive part of my life and I miss her.  So, so much.
Grief is a funny thing, it produces real physical pain.  We popped to the shop the other day and automatically I started driving to Nan’s house – when I remembered she was gone I felt pain, it’s a bit deep but it was raw yet very real pain.
I’ve had a few other bits going on and combined they’ve left me in a bit of a state.  Add to the mix my total career change – I’m incredibly unsettled and life just feels totally different, totally alien.
Health wise I’ve just done injection number 4 – I’ve not yet written about my chronic illness and the new medication – it’s next on the list.  I’ve felt proper rough as arseholes these last two days.  Like exhausted to the point I can’t even hold my head up. struggled to move around and that in itself affects my mood massively.
But today we went to our local messy play session – it’s good fun although the boy didn’t want to participate at all today.  We did however meet the lovely Naomi from Not a Perfect Parent, who I discovered lives five minutes from us and it’s really nice to put names to faces and meet other mums.  I was especially relieved to find I wasn’t the only mum completely unprepared for the rain(the boy wore a fleece and me – my husbands high-vis work coat.  Cringe)!
Plans for tomorrow – no idea; hopefully it will stop raining long enough to walk the pooch and get some washing.  Rock and fucking roll, eh.
Oh – and yes – Dear sodding Diary – because I’m 33 and I feel a little bit silly keeping a diary, even doing diary style posts.  But it’s all part of the counselling – and why the hell not.

Lisa x

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