Sunday 12th August 2018
Dear sodding Diary,
I’m on the second shift of the weekend, work has been mega busy and my back and legs have been, well, bloody awful. I’m eating painkillers like Jelly Tots and I’m struggling.
This week saw my fourth Benepali injection – I have to give them three months to see if they help and I think I can see a slight difference, that being the fact that usually when my pain is this bad I would be in bed crying and literally bed bound. But I’m coping(just about) – I’ve been able to get to work and keep going, despite the pain and tiredness.
I’m also on day two of my latest healthy eating venture – where I’m having trouble believing that I can actually stick to it but I am ACTUALLY sticking to it. I mean its only day two so it’s early days but I’m attempting to:
- Cut out fizzy drinks – I’m addicted to Pepsi Max Cherry and I was horrified this week to discover I’m craving it; who knew that it could be addictive? Which leads me onto…
- Artificial sweetener – fizzy drink, especially the diet ones are full of aspartame and I’m pretty sure it contributes to my aches and pains. The only exception will be the occasional Stevia or sugar if I get really desperate.
- Refined carbs – I live on pasta, rice, and bread and I’ve been told multiple times by consultants that it isn’t the best thing for my PCOS(Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). It is, however, a staple in my veggie diet, so I’m looking to cut it back and try to go for healthier options. I’m a huge believer that cutting whole food groups out isn’t wise but I need to give it a go. It also bloats me, massively. I’m aiming for brown rice and sweet potato to get my carby fix.
- Drink more water – I’ve written before about my inability to drink water and I’m constantly dehydrated and moaning about it. 2-3 litres of water a day is my aim, I’m hoping half my hunger is actually thirst…
- Educating myself, innit – I’m terrible for believing whatever diet I’m doing and not actually paying attention to the vitamins and minerals I need plus I have no knowledge on protein/carbs/fat/fibre etc. I want to learn how to fuel my body the right way.
- I’m a dairy addict – I eat wayyyyy too much cheese and I drink too much milk. The last consultant I saw said dairy can make chronic inflammation worse for many and cutting it out may make a huge difference. As above I don’t want to cut anything out completely however I’m going to massively look at what I’m eating and try to make better choices.
- Sugar – everything I eat is packed full of sugar which is making me fat and not helping me in any way, shape or form. Sugar is incredibly hard to cut out completely and I don’t know if I’m ready to do that, but reducing it significantly can only help, right?
- Cut out the processed crap – I’d say 90% of what I eat is processed and I don’t actually know what I’m eating. Previously when I’ve eaten food that is unprocessed and natural I’ve felt great, so I’m aiming to stop reaching for the processed shit and convenience food.
- Caffeine – I’m not supposed to have caffeine anyways as it makes my heart race and gives me headaches/migraines but I’ve fallen back into a caffeine trap recently and I need to go back to decaf.
I’m conscious that I may be trying to do too much all at once – but I’m also desperate to try to do the best I can to make myself feel better. Even if it means suffering for a few days while my body adjusts. But I have to at least try – and I’m also trying to concentrate on how I feel more than weight loss.
Ultimately I have six stone to lose – which feels like a huge amount, and I keep trying to focus on how much better my back. legs and joints would feel for losing it.
Hubs came home last night with five doughnuts, two litres of Diet Coke and crisps. Which makes it so hard when I’m trying to be so good. I just have to learn to stay focused on the end result.
Someone recently suggested meditation and visualization techniques may be helpful – something I’d not thought of. I’ll be totally honest – I hate the long list of failed diets I’ve chronicalled on this ‘ere blog, I feel really ashamed of how I just can’t seem to stick to anything. I do know from counselling that my relationship with food is labelled as ‘disordered’ due to a few things from the past and the negative view I have of myself.
This constant need to lose weight, the constant negativity and the lack of willpower comes from long-standing issues, I know that. But I’m not proud of it – in the eyes of the world I’m just a fat girl who can’t say no to cake, right?
Lots to think about – if anyone reads this and has dealt with similar, please get in touch – I’m driving myself mad.