Delilah & the wandering panty-liner

If there was an award for the most random blog title, that would be it right?

On Friday I went out, out-out, on the sauce and necking Prosecco like a boss.  I’d just survived a day in London and despite the fact that I was due on, devoid of any deodorant therefore smelling like a sewer and looking scruffy AF I wanted to go out and enjoy myself.

After telling the girls the history of my reproductive system(sorry girls) we went to an amazing Turkish restaurant, filled up on hummus and halloumi and sank a few cocktails.

Proper.  Bloody.  Lush.

We then decided to move on to a pub that played songs of our yoof’ – Ash, Reef, Ocean Colour Scene – ahhh, memories.

I was tired and at that point feeling a little pissed yet unable to drink anymore – it just wasn’t going down and so I swapped to lemonade and we finished the night at a pub we affectionately(?) call ‘The Ugly Pub’.

The Ugly Pub is a beautiful old inn complete with wooden beams, crooked floor and regular customers older than the Pyramids at Giza.  Last time we were there we nearly ended up in a fight with possibly the ugliest woman I have ever seen.  If ever there was a walking advert to deter people from drugs, she was it.

It was Karaoke night in The Ugly Pub and after losing an ear drum to the worst version of ABBA’s ‘Gimme Gimme Gimme’ I’ve ever heard we were about to leave when the next song flashed up as ‘Delilah’ by Tom Jones.

She sang it better

“I love this one” I told the girls, briefly telling a story about a lounge singer in Ibiza singing “she vos mai voooman” – such fond memories.

Mate, have you ever listened to the words” said my friend.

And so I listened.  And my fond memories became shattered for ever, just like the day I discovered Calamity Jane was in fact not a happy real life story:

“Delilah”

I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind
She was my woman
As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind
My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
(WHAT THE FUCK?)
My, my, my Delilah
Why, why, why Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any moreShe stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more

What. The. Fuck.
It’s about a dude stabbing a chick because he is jealous.  How did I not know that?
All these years I’ve thought it a nice song.  That’ll teach me.
We finished our drinks, and I felt something tickling the back of my knee.  I scratched, tried to work out what was going on.
Hmmm. What was going on?
And then I discovered that my panty-liner had gone on a little journey and attached itself to the back of my right knee.
What do we learn from this, kids?  Listen to the lyrics and secure your panty-liner(slippery little fuckers they are).

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