I’m not good at resting. Or listening.

Rest. I’d forgotten the meaning of the word to be honest.

My AS diagnosis before Christmas has massively changed my mindset – I should be looking after myself, taking it easy and working within my limits.  Unfortunately this isn’t the change I mean – I’ve turned into a chronic illness rebel.

The consultant mentioned that you go through some stages after a diagnosis; such as the initial shock, a period of mourning followed by total ignorance and rebellion.

This is where I am at.

I don’t want to take medication, yet I know it helps me and I should.

I want to be able to clean my house daily, walk ten miles if I want to, and to be my usual busy self.

But I just can’t, and it’s really upsetting.

Take today, for example. It’s Monday lunchtime and I’m supposed to be at work, however I’ve had some weird sinus shit going on for two weeks now and after struggling all weekend I had to admit defeat this morning and see a doctor.

I know what happens when I ignore things, I get poorly and I completely burn out.

All it takes is a slight infection or change in weather or medication and it flares my pain and exhaustion so bad. It’s a shit way to live and I can’t accept that I’ll be like that forever.

After a bollocking from the doctor this morning and a diagnosis of a nasty infection I was again told to take it easy. Total rest for a week she said.

And I walked away, laughing. Life doesn’t allow for total rest, it really doesn’t, however I am going to attempt to sleep today and not move where possible.

I’m two hours in and I’m contemplating doing the hoovering and ironing.




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