It’s Okay not to be Okay

Depression is a fucker.

Mental illness is a horrible, vile, thing; it sucks away your soul and reduces you to a self loathing wreck, and a shadow of your former or normal self.

Me and the hubbo didn’t think we could have children, and hubbo had suffered a loss with a previous partner so when we discovered our little miracle bean in my belly, my depression took on a whole new role.

I was scared.  So scared.  Never for myself, only for my baby.  I was solely responsible for this little life growing inside me, no one else could protect my baby, only me.

I was depressed and anxious my whole pregnancy, and I couldn’t wait for is little person to be born and be here, and know my body had done its job in growing him and keeping him safe.

When he was born it was the most frightening and traumatic experience of my life.  I am scared of flying but this was fear on a whole new level.

I feel so much guilt saying this, but it was the worst day of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was lucky, we had been blessed with this little hunk of chunk that was 9lbs and healthy, and I will forever thank the powers that be.

But I’d nearly died giving birth to our little miracle.  I’d been frightened and traumatised and I was in pain I never knew was possible.

When the mancub was pulled from my belly via the sunroof that rainy November day, I felt overwhelming feelings I had never felt before.

But not love, like everyone had told me I would feel.  I was relieved he was born, I had done my job of growing him, and our new life as parents had begun.  For me I felt no rush of love, it just wasn’t there.

But new dark thoughts entered my head; I had nearly DIED.  I was in pain, exhausted, and I just wanted to be on my own.

My most painful thought was that I didn’t want to be a mummy.  I didn’t want this, I wanted to die, wish I’d died on the operating theatre.

As someone who struggled to conceive I would have bitch slapped anyone who had said that when I wanted a baby so bad and I thought I couldn’t have one.  But that’s how I felt, I felt something for my little person but it wasn’t love.

At this point I’m fighting back tears, how as a mother could I feel that way, so much guilt.

But it is an illness, I was sick, my mind was poorly, and I was suffering Post Natal Depression and Post Traumatic Stress.

The first six months of his life were awful. My mind was so warped, and I was on autopilot, and I was like a zombie.

I felt like I was babysitting someone else’s child.  I shut myself away from everyone, scared that if I told people how I felt they would take my baby away and lock me up. I know now that my mummy feelings were there, they were buried deep inside my heart, and the PND in my shitty head was overruling everything.

Fast forward 27 months.

The mancub is a two year old monster, and we have the strongest bond ever.  Every time I look at him I want to explode, cry and shit myself because of how much love I have.

He is my best friend, my whole world and my greatest creation.

I am undergoing therapy starting Friday to try and beat my PND and birth trauma, and this blog was a huge part of therapy for me and have become so much more than just a blog.

When I had the mancub there was a poor girl around the same time who had recently given birth and threw herself and her baby off a bridge in Bristol.  She had been told she couldn’t take her medication and breastfeed and so walked out of the hospital and ended her life and her baby’s.  Heartbreaking.

I always think of that poor girl, and how she may of felt, because I have been there.  I’ve been to absolute hell and back having a baby to then feel like I wanted out of everything.

I can’t change the world, as much as I would like to, but I would love to help anyone that I could.

Please don’t suffer in silence, talk to someone. Family, friends, a complete stranger, your cat, pet gerbil, anyone.

If you think bad things, you are not alone, nor are you a bad parent.

Childbirth is like being hit by ten buses both physically and emotionally and you also have crazy hormones which REALLY don’t help.

Best bit of advice I have for anyone affected by this in any way is this:

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

Rest, sleep, enjoy your little one.  Sleep when they sleep and don’t feel guilty, I never did this until he was one and it really helps.  Ask hubbo/wifey to help out more so you can go out or have some you time.  Your little monster is half theirs, and this isn’t the dark ages, you don’t have to do everything.  If hubbo/wifey doesn’t want to help or is too much of a princess to pick up a Hoover, suspend all sexual favours until they do.

Read books, enjoy a meal in peace, drink a cup of tea while it’s actually hot.  Have a shower that lasts more than five minutes.  HAVE A POO BY YOURSELF AND ACTUALLY SAVOUR THE MOMENT.

For any partners reading his, please know that deep down your wifey loves you and your baby more than anything but she has a poorly mind and needs some extra TLC. Listen to her, cuddle her, wipe away her tears.

You will probably be thinking that it’s all simple things and I’m talking crap.

Well yes, I am talking crap as always but simple things are simple pleasures.  Go back to basics, enjoy every little part of life.

Live your life. Love your child. Be kind to YOURSELF.

L⚜

(Will set up a tab of useful numbers and websites for anyone who is affected by anything I have spoken about. Big love.)

Island Living 365

DIY Daddy Blog

Diary of an imperfect mum
Mummuddlingthrough
The Pramshed

23 thoughts on “It’s Okay not to be Okay

  1. What a wonderful honest post and thank you for sharing a personal moment with us takes courage Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

  2. Welcome to the world of blogging! I’m happy to have come across your blog through your Twitter profile, then #fortheloveofBLOG. I too have suffered from depression and am currently receiving therapy for anxiety. It pains me to read what you went through during pregnancy and your baby’s first 6 months. I’m happy to read that you have a strong bond with your son now and that you’re getting help. Keep up the good work! #fortheloveofBLOG

  3. I love the honesty of this. It is so important for expecting parents to be aware that things don’t always go smoothly and that they may need a lot of support to get through.

    It should not be a secret that it sometimes takes time to build a bond and feel the love with a newborn child. Different people (mums and dads) have vastly different experiences during pregnancy and childbirth.

    I’m glad that you have figured out how to be kind to yourself. It’s truly great advice!
    #ThatFridayLinky

  4. and this is what I love about the blogging community – the realness of it and the honesty – we find others that have similar experiences , we share, we love, we read and we sympathise. The written word brings us all together to find that support – a wonderful honest post #ablogginggoodtime

  5. Love this. I struggle with anxiety every single day. Maybe not for the same reasons as you, but I get this. Thank you for sharing this post and for your advice. You are spot on.
    #ablogginggoodtime

  6. Wow what a brilliant and powerful post you said so many things to many mums need to hear. Thanks so much for linking this up to #coolmumclub xoxo

  7. It’s taken 11 months but I’ve finally broken. Going back to work cracked me. I’m taking time to look after myself and getting the help I need. Such an honest post. X #CoolMumClub

  8. This is really powerful and it completely spoke to me. I didn’t have a traumatic birth like you went through, but I did adopt my children, and the same feelings of despair overtook me when they came home. For about a year I just couldn’t function properly and didn’t think about asking for help. I wish I had done! Thank you for sharing such great advice. #ablogginggoodtime

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