It’s Okay not to be Okay

Depression is a fucker.

Mental illness is a horrible, vile, thing; it sucks away your soul and reduces you to a self loathing wreck, and a shadow of your former or normal self.

Me and the hubbo didn’t think we could have children, and hubbo had suffered a loss with a previous partner so when we discovered our little miracle bean in my belly, my depression took on a whole new role.

I was scared.  So scared.  Never for myself, only for my baby.  I was solely responsible for this little life growing inside me, no one else could protect my baby, only me.

I was depressed and anxious my whole pregnancy, and I couldn’t wait for is little person to be born and be here, and know my body had done its job in growing him and keeping him safe.

When he was born it was the most frightening and traumatic experience of my life.  I am scared of flying but this was fear on a whole new level.

I feel so much guilt saying this, but it was the worst day of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was lucky, we had been blessed with this little hunk of chunk that was 9lbs and healthy, and I will forever thank the powers that be.

But I’d nearly died giving birth to our little miracle.  I’d been frightened and traumatised and I was in pain I never knew was possible.

When the mancub was pulled from my belly via the sunroof that rainy November day, I felt overwhelming feelings I had never felt before.

But not love, like everyone had told me I would feel.  I was relieved he was born, I had done my job of growing him, and our new life as parents had begun.  For me I felt no rush of love, it just wasn’t there.

But new dark thoughts entered my head; I had nearly DIED.  I was in pain, exhausted, and I just wanted to be on my own.

My most painful thought was that I didn’t want to be a mummy.  I didn’t want this, I wanted to die, wish I’d died on the operating theatre.

As someone who struggled to conceive I would have bitch slapped anyone who had said that when I wanted a baby so bad and I thought I couldn’t have one.  But that’s how I felt, I felt something for my little person but it wasn’t love.

At this point I’m fighting back tears, how as a mother could I feel that way, so much guilt.

But it is an illness, I was sick, my mind was poorly, and I was suffering Post Natal Depression and Post Traumatic Stress.

The first six months of his life were awful. My mind was so warped, and I was on autopilot, and I was like a zombie.

I felt like I was babysitting someone else’s child.  I shut myself away from everyone, scared that if I told people how I felt they would take my baby away and lock me up. I know now that my mummy feelings were there, they were buried deep inside my heart, and the PND in my shitty head was overruling everything.

Fast forward 27 months.

The mancub is a two year old monster, and we have the strongest bond ever.  Every time I look at him I want to explode, cry and shit myself because of how much love I have.

He is my best friend, my whole world and my greatest creation.

I am undergoing therapy starting Friday to try and beat my PND and birth trauma, and this blog was a huge part of therapy for me and have become so much more than just a blog.

When I had the mancub there was a poor girl around the same time who had recently given birth and threw herself and her baby off a bridge in Bristol.  She had been told she couldn’t take her medication and breastfeed and so walked out of the hospital and ended her life and her baby’s.  Heartbreaking.

I always think of that poor girl, and how she may of felt, because I have been there.  I’ve been to absolute hell and back having a baby to then feel like I wanted out of everything.

I can’t change the world, as much as I would like to, but I would love to help anyone that I could.

Please don’t suffer in silence, talk to someone. Family, friends, a complete stranger, your cat, pet gerbil, anyone.

If you think bad things, you are not alone, nor are you a bad parent.

Childbirth is like being hit by ten buses both physically and emotionally and you also have crazy hormones which REALLY don’t help.

Best bit of advice I have for anyone affected by this in any way is this:

BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

Rest, sleep, enjoy your little one.  Sleep when they sleep and don’t feel guilty, I never did this until he was one and it really helps.  Ask hubbo/wifey to help out more so you can go out or have some you time.  Your little monster is half theirs, and this isn’t the dark ages, you don’t have to do everything.  If hubbo/wifey doesn’t want to help or is too much of a princess to pick up a Hoover, suspend all sexual favours until they do.

Read books, enjoy a meal in peace, drink a cup of tea while it’s actually hot.  Have a shower that lasts more than five minutes.  HAVE A POO BY YOURSELF AND ACTUALLY SAVOUR THE MOMENT.

For any partners reading his, please know that deep down your wifey loves you and your baby more than anything but she has a poorly mind and needs some extra TLC. Listen to her, cuddle her, wipe away her tears.

You will probably be thinking that it’s all simple things and I’m talking crap.

Well yes, I am talking crap as always but simple things are simple pleasures.  Go back to basics, enjoy every little part of life.

Live your life. Love your child. Be kind to YOURSELF.

L⚜

(Will set up a tab of useful numbers and websites for anyone who is affected by anything I have spoken about. Big love.)

Island Living 365

DIY Daddy Blog

Diary of an imperfect mum
Mummuddlingthrough
The Pramshed

23 thoughts on “It’s Okay not to be Okay

  1. Really great post! Just a really brutally honest post that is very brave and brilliantly written. I do love a blogger who writes from experience, especially with the aim of helping others! #stayclassymama

  2. What an amazing mama you are – having a traumatic birth experience is so tough and I’m pleased you are getting some help for it. I hope your post helps other mothers in the same situation realise that they can talk about it and get help if they need to. Thank you for being so honest #fortheloveofBLOG

  3. This post is honest, it’s brave and it pulled right at my heart strings. I love the advice you give and I think it’s so important that we all take note! You sound like one incredibly strong lady, keep at it girl! Thanks so much for linking up to #Blogstravaganza, it’d be great to see you again next week xx

  4. I felt so overwhelmed when I was pregnant with my daughter. Like you, I felt like I was the only one responsible for keeping her safe. For protecting her from anything and everything: foods you are supposed to avoid, medications that are harmful, and from falling or injury. That really weighed on me. Once a baby is born, there are so many people to share the responsibility. But during pregnancy, it felt like I was alone. That’s a scary feeling. Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s important to remember that we will have good days and bad days, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. We all do the best that we can! #ThatFridayLinky

  5. Every woman will deal with the birth of their children differently. Some take to it straight away, while others take a little longer. It’s only natural. I mean we’re only human after all. Don’t beat yourself up about it. As you say, you have an incredible bond and you sound like you’re doing a pretty good job to me. Thanks for linking up to #ThatFridayLinky

  6. This sounds like a terrible experience! I feel horrible knowing that some moms feel this way, because that just sucks. I think it’s really brave of you to be telling your story and I hope that lots of people see it so that those who need help can be encouraged and get the lift they need.
    #Blogstravaganza

  7. This is a really powerful and emotional post and you have actually reduced me to tears because I know exactly how you feel. That initial rush of love isn’t always there and the guilt surrounding it is horrendous, especially after struggling for years and thinking you may never have a child, you feel so ungrateful and undeserving. But it does come with time and we need to go easy on ourselves. Talking definitely helps x
    #fortheloveofBLOG

  8. A very important post.Although I did not go on to become depressed,I too had a traumatic birth and felt nothing for my baby for a while but grew to love him just as you describe.I only came to terms with the terrible birth experience by giving birth again at the opposite end of the scale in that I gave birth with no pain relief in the car and do you know what it was relatively easy!!!!This experience completely empowered me as I realised it was just the roll of the dice and I was a bit of a hero the first time around just to get through.#StayClassyMama

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