My brain – more pickled than your average gherkin

Yesterday was a bit of a weird day; we walked to the hospital for an appointment I had regarding the mystery illness and it was a beautiful sunny day that started full of positives.

And then they told me I have Hypermobility and potentially another disease off the back of it and it went a little bit shit from there.

I’ve had a headache for about four days and I don’t feel well; I feel better this morning but it’s still there lurking in the background.

And I have more tests today plus my first counselling appointment which I’m really anxious about.

I’m coming up to four weeks anti-depressant free now and for the most part I feel okay; although I feel a little bit stressed and like I’m not coping well but I’m not sure if that is depression or just life.

I’m cross ALL the time, and feel like I’m running faster than my legs will carry me.  I’m so frustrated with the house being untidy, I’m frustrated that my child won’t behave.

And old bad memories keep popping up; things from childhood and right up to now, like nasty little flashbacks.

I can feel myself hiding away a little and pushing people away – I know I’m doing it but I can’t seem to stop or control it.

I’m enjoying following Weight Watchers, as I feel in control and mentally it’s doing me no end of good.

But life feels a little out of control and I know some parts of my mind are warping and letting the depression win.

I’m wondering if maybe I should write a list or draw a diagram to try and explain to the counsellor what I think drives my depression and anxiety, but part of me wants to cancel it and just not bother; I don’t want to talk about most of the bad stuff because it makes me so sad.

As I write this my little man is covered head to toe in porridge and just asked me if I’m okay.

If that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is – I want to be well and feel better, I want to be able to tell him one day how I once felt and how I am better; I want him to know it’s okay to be sad sometimes and that depression is an illness and not a weakness.

I can feel myself getting upset writing this – I’m scared to talk to someone and what they may think; I’m scared to drag all the bad stuff back up again, but I have to do it.

Wish me luck, I will update later.

One thought on “My brain – more pickled than your average gherkin

  1. This post touched me Lisa – it all sounds very familiar. Keep on keeping on – you are doing all you can and that really IS good enough. My son also often questions “are you happy Mummy?” – it saddens me he might think I am sad. So I tell him the truth “I am happy I have YOU”.

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