Today is one of those not so good days.
Life is all over the place at the moment – family dramas, work problems and a mardy-arse three year old mean that life is just, well, a little bit shit right now.
I’ve not coped well with the death of my Nan – I’m struggling to believe that I’ll never be able to give her a cuddle or speak to her again; it’s like an overwhelming sadness that keeps creeping in.
My husband remarked yesterday that I’m coping with everything really well. I really thought I was – but I don’t think I am, to be honest.
You see I have this awful fixation with losing weight at the moment. It’s become an obsession and it’s ruling every minute of every day.
I started a new ‘plan’ a few days back – this one involves calorie counting, no starvation, and lots of exercise. And I can’t get my head around it. I think my body image and my thoughts around good nutrition have become so warped I don’t know my head from my arsehole anymore.
I’m supposed to live by three rules – hit my calorie target, hot my protein target and eat 80% nutrient dense foods. The other 20% is for any shit you fancy such as chocolate or crisps. It’s really good and it’s encouraging really good habits.
But I woke up in a terrible mood today – I woke up not giving a shit about myself, what I ate and I’d pretty much given up on everything before I’d even got out of bed.
And so I’ve eaten terribly, I’ve not eaten anything remotely nutritional. And now I feel even worse.
Being fat is messing with my head – I feel like I’m judged as a mum because of my weight.
I feel like if I go out and buy the boy something as a treat I’m being judged – that he’ll end up fat like me. We are in an awful fussy eating phase where he won’t eat anything apart from chicken nuggets, and I feel like I’m totally responsible.
But how can I educate him if I’m not educated myself?
So I’m having today as an off day. I’m not going to track my food, I’m not going to flap about the 15,000 steps I’m supposed to do today.
I’m going to snuggle on the sofa with the dog and the boy, and I’m going to chill out.
Tomorrow is another day – I’m going to make a plan, plan my meals and start afresh. This feeling of failure is the bit I need to change the most – we all have off days and it’s okay to stray off plan.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day.