Losing my shit

I used to laugh when people mentioned the terrible twos.  I used to smile and think how these beautiful little treasures can be anything but delightful. Now I laugh, like a mad woman.  If anyone says ‘it’s a phase’ ‘oh but he is gorgeous’ ‘oh he is a good boy he could NEVER be naughty’ they are likely to get stabbed repeatedly with a blunt knife. Today is one of these days: So hubby came home…and I’ve run away to the bathroom and left hubby with the devil child, grunting instructions on what to do for dinner(leftovers) and scowled as the brat cuddles and kisses daddy when he’s been biting, kicking, punching, and generally doing my head in all day. Whilst hiding in the bathroom I decided to do a bit of research on the terrible twos, try and find some different methods, and failing that I may have googled ‘gags’ on eBay and been a little freaked out by the results… maybe I’ll just get myself a straight jacket.  Or Prosecco.  Ok both. It’s amazing how you have an idea of how you want to parent, things you say you will never do, how easy it will be. Well,…

View Post

The Reve..yawn

Hubby loves films, our tastes differ hugely, he will watch anything and loves anything fantasy, hobbity, historical, or mildly pornographic.  Even better, all combined(think Game of Thrones). Me on the other hand love musicals, romantic films, disaster movies, gangster movies, quite varied but I know what I like and I LIKE IT. I’m more of a book person than a film person but sometimes its nice to rest my recently chopped-up hands(carpal tunnel release 5 weeks ago) and just vegetate on the sofa and lose myself in a good film. For example, this week we watched ‘Legend’, with Tom Hardy(makes me feel all unnecessary phwoar) playing the Kray twins. Cracking film, thoroughly enjoyed it. Last night we watched ‘The Revenant’, which has rave reviews and will always be known as the one where Leo FINALLY got his oscar.  I’ll admit as soon as I saw Tom Hardy was in it it was a winner for me. WHAT A FUCKING LET DOWN. The acting was great, the scenery was great, it was well scripted, and the story had great promise. But it was sooooo sloooooooow. I gave up about three quarters of the way through.  Tom Hardy playing a half-scalped hillbilly…

View Post

It’s a Wonderful… day to be a complete slob

Christmas is a week away, i’m behind with shopping and Skinty McSkintface. Boo. Yesterday, I took my little muffin to see Father Christmas, along with my Nannie, at a local garden centre. Things didn’t go well before we had even left the house.  Mummy had awful greasy hair and wonky eyebrows(I lost half of one to a scar as a child. True 80s child I headbutted a Teasmaid) and W decided to run off as I tried to get him in the car and stepped in shit, which he promptly smeared all up my arm and all over the car seat.  Fuck my liiiife. Anyhoo, we went and saw the big man himself, it was AWESOME. Lights and elves and snow and much magical merriment.  Even my nan sat on Father Christmas’ lap, what a babe. So today I had plans of housework and washing, I envisaged myself with perfect hair and sparkly pink marigolds, scrubbing my house and all that. What a crock of shit. My hair is even greasier, the brat is extra clingy and the housework is even less done than it was yesterday. Number of fucks given = BIG FAT ZERO Thought if we are having…

View Post

Merry Blogmas!

So here I am. Again. I’ve had quite a few attempts at blogging, and failed each time.  Problem is, every time I have tried to write about food, or motherhood, or running, and other stuff my heart isn’t really in. So, here I am.  I’m a thirty-something year old wife, mother, crazy cat lady, and general headcase.  I live in the garden of England, and have done my whole life.  My toddler is currently two and DON’T I KNOW IT. He is a total horror and hard going. But we also didn’t think we could have children, so its all good. Anyhoo. I will be writing about toddler life, mummy troubles, money struggles, and general life shit.  Oh, and expect a lot of swearing. L⚜

View Post