Paranoia: Big D is at it again

It’s bloody freezing this morning and the mancub has just produced one of the most rancid nappies ever.  Bleurgh.  It’s too early for wine right?

I don’t know if it’s a side effect of Big D or the Fluoxetine but I’m so paranoid all the time.

A doctor told me last week I’m morbidly obese and likely to die under a general anaesthetic.

I am overweight, this I know, but I’m not a walking death sentence just yet and it’s triggered a weird paranoia thing.

I went to yoga and various exercise classes towards the end of last year, which I now can’t go to.  My head tells me I’m too fat, I can’t do it, don’t embarrass yourself.

I’m such a dick.

I heard a great quote once about worrying about what other people think about you, and it was along the lines of “well look at you all up yourself worried about what people think and full of your own self importance”.

It’s very harsh but it’s true!

When I walk into a room and my head tells me everyone is looking at me, laughing behind my back, it’s just rubbish, people are too busy worrying about their own lives to be picking holes in you.

And if they are picking holes in you, they need to get a life, sad acts.

I’m back to old ways in regards to eating habits, even though I’m sticking to a healthy diet I can’t eat in front of anyone apart from my family, I’m starting to become obsessive about eating again and I’m avoiding eye contact and just trying to blend into the back ground.

I don’t want anyone to tell me I’m fat, tell me to lose weight, or critique me physically or mentally at the moment, I’m finding it hard to cope with and I feel like everyone looks at me and I must disgust them.

Yesterday in town I had a major wobble.  I needed to go and get measured for glasses, I went in, took a seat and then my brain overheated.

I’m ugly.  Your face is fat. Are you really going to let someone measure your repulsive face?

I’m ashamed to say I had to get out quick before I had a panic attack, and once I’d calmed down with a decaf soya latte(limiting caffeine and dairy) I was mortified that I had done that.

We need to go out today and my body is fighting it, I just want to stay in and hide. 

Deep breaths, happy thoughts, I can do this.


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