Sinking? I hate you, depression

My mood has taken a massive nose-dive this week and the most frustrating thing about it?

I have no fucking idea why.

I debated whether or not to write this; until I reminded myself the reason why I started this blog – this is my place to be me, to vent and to keep it real.  And if I just pretended everything was okay, I wouldn’t be being me.

This weird low mood started maybe a week or two ago when I caught myself staring into space, feeling really unhappy.

There was nothing ‘wrong’ – I just felt a little bit sad.  And from there I’ve gone into my usual state of not really caring what I look like yet being really self-conscious that I look a complete state.

The pre-school drop off is the biggest example of this, it takes me much emotional effort to get out of the house – yet when I’m standing outside with the other mums I want to explode because I feel so unhappy and so aware that I look fat and horrible.

The Beast from the East has wreaked havoc this week, we’ve been effectively ‘snowed in’ and cabin fever has driven me mad.

Snowy walks with the small one

And the low mood has just got worse – I just always feel a little bit sad.

I have no drive to do anything – the house chores are suffering, which in turns makes me feel worse because I can’t stand the house being untidy.  I don’t want to go out, don’t want to socialise, and I’m being a terrible mum.

(A bucket of tears and a cup of tea later)

The boy can see when mummy is upset, and it breaks my heart to feel this way around him.  I just want to be a good mummy, a normal mummy, who is fun all the time, looks nice all the time and who doesn’t shout.

Sometimes I wonder he would be better with a different mummy – he deserves so much better than a depressed mummy like me.

I can’t think of one thing at the moment that makes me happy, every single thought that pops into my head is negative.  It’s so draining.

I feel so desperately unhappy about my weight – I’ve been making a huge effort to walk more, eat well and really focus on being healthy but I have no energy and I just want to sleep all day.  Yet I can’t sleep, even at night.

I’m not drinking enough(water not Prosecco) and so I wake up hourly through the night, yet I just can’t make myself drink.

I don’t know if I am unwell or it’s the physical effects of depression and anxiety making me feel rubbish – who knows.

I’m finding no enjoyment in anything, and I have no drive to do anything.  I just feel rotten.

I don’t want to let it win, I can’t let it bring me down.  And so I’m pushing on with my healthy eating and I’m making plans to keep exercising and moving.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it – but it’s a huge fight, fighting against myself all the time.

Snowy walks – hoping exercise perks me up

Mental illness is such a complicated thing, I wish I knew my triggers.  Sometimes I’m sure its hormones, others I think its the weather, I just don’t know.  I’m a control freak and the worst part of being a depressed control freak is not knowing what triggers me and causes me to feel bad.

It’s all chemical, I know that – there’s a little part of my brain that’s not working right and that is what makes me feel sad.  But it’s exhausting to keep going, when it comes back time and time again.

Part of me doesn’t want to hit publish on this, because I don’t want it out there, I don’t want my friends or family reading this, I just want to live it on my own.  And that’s the problem – I don’t talk about it, I don’t put it out there, I just let it chip away at me until I’m well and truly in a deep, dark place.  I don’t want to end up there, not again.

You’ve read this from me before, I know it’s nothing new.  I wish I had some interesting analogy, or insightful emotional outburst to share.

But I just feel nothing – I feel really numb.  And that’s not like me at all.

x

 

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Depression, Anxiety, Low Mood, Seasonal Affective Disorder, #depression, #anxiety, #pnd, #pmdd, #pms

 

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