It’s 7am, and I should feel refreshed, full of energy, ready to go.
Instead I’m sat watching CBeebies and crying into my morning coffee.
Big D wise I feel better; four weeks of Fluoxetine and I feel more like me again. It still really hurts my heart to write this but I’m getting proper rushes of love again for my nearest and dearest and it’s nice to feel things again.
When Big D is at his worst I feel nothing, life is all numbness and negativity, there’s no good, it’s just a fetid put of despair.
When my proper feelings come back it’s so nice but overwhelming to be feeling things again. It also frightens me that mental illness can change me the way it does.
I had a hospital appointment last Friday, which I haven’t written about yet as I just can’t seem to get it out, but I was told I have six months to lose four stone and to be fit for surgery.
My tummy pain has gone completely with the Zoladex, but my joint and muscle pain has got really bad.
My GP is still unsure what has caused my chronic pain; Fibromyalgia, ME and Chromic Fatigue Syndrome have all been mentioned but as yet nothing has been diagnosed officially, but I have to take painkillers near enough every day and it is soul destroying.
My symptoms? Every time I get ill, tired, stressed, upset, shocked, or allergic to anything, every muscle, joint and bone in my body hurts so bad, and I get so tired it makes me feel physically sick.
It’s great knowing that those situations have the potential to knock me flat on my back for anywhere between three and fourteen days, and it gets me down, makes me scared!
I had Carpal Tunnl Release surgery in November 2016, which got rid of the numbness but seems to have caused so many more problems, and after my hospital appointment last week I’m so concerned.
As I type my hands and wrists hurt. It’s like an ache that’s right in my bones and isn’t sharp but is so painful. My wrists and other joints click continuously, which makes my hands hurt more. I hate taking painkillers but I have no choice, I have constant pain all day every day.
I have an appointment in March as my GP says this isn’t normal, and apparently Zoladex can cause osteoporosis and arthritis and all sorts. I’m so worried that I’m going to be like this forever, I’m 32 this year, my son is 2 and I can’t seem to get anyone to understand my concerns. Plus they never told me the risks when I started the Zoladex…
What if they get s bad I can’t work? That can’t happen, we rely on my wages.
What if I have further surgery and it goes wrong?
For now, I need to stay positive and hope all works out ok.