I’ve not written in a while – life has been a little hectic, my mood a little low and I’ve been guilty of just shutting down and not talking about things, which isn’t good.
Health wise things have been up and down – I’ve had to stop my biologic injections for my Ankylosing Spondylitis due to constant colds and infections. I’m blowing friends out left, right and centre because I’m always ill. People joke that there’s always something wrong with me and I’ll admit it makes me a little bit sad; I hate being ill and I wish more than anything that I was fit and healthy.
A side I don’t speak about too much are my, well, lady-part problems. I’ve written about how we(or rather, me) were deemed infertile after trying for a baby for three or more years; I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS) and my periods have never been regular plus I don’t ovulate. If you’ve read my infertility story then you’ll know I released one lucky egg nearly five years ago and he’s now a nearly four year old pain in the arse.
Way back in March 2014 after a few unsuccessful rounds of Clomid(a strong drug to help you ovulate) I was booked in for a diagnostic laparoscopy, a keyhole procedure under general anaesthetic to try and fathom out why I wasn’t having periods, ovulating and why I was experiencing daily pain. That surgery never went ahead because I discovered I was pregnant ten minutes before I went into theatre – in November 2014 I gave birth to W, my little miracle.
Unfortunately his birth only made my internal issues worse – he was born by emergency Caesarean section and I was 21 stone, meaning I had a few complications and recovery was long. Ever since I’ve had daily pain from my scar, belly button and through my womb and back passage. My periods occur once in a blue moon and are completely unpredictable. When they do happen they last up to ten days and are very painful and heavy, usually meaning I can’t venture too far without leaking. TMI I know, but this is the reality for many women.
In August 2016 I went to the doctors after having no periods for six months – I wasn’t feeling well and my GP had always said it’s not healthy to go that long without a bleed; she was concerned my PCOS had worsened and that things hadn’t returned to normal after having the boy. I also had a lot of pain internally, meaning I was struggling with tampons and I was experiencing sharp pains. I’ve also found I’m unable to use a menstrual cup, even small ones are incredibly painful.
I was referred to gynaecology who started me on Zoladex injections which put me in a chemical menopause and was told in the January 2017 that I’d be referred for surgery. In the January I was told I was too heavy for surgery and my weight was the issue – they told me my morbidly obese BMI was the cause of my sporadic periods and I just needed to lose weight.
I was mortified to be honest – but at the same time PCOS and an underactive thyroid mixed with the tail end of PND was making weight loss hard. So I just sloped off and forgot about things to be honest.
Unfortunately things just got worse – I went back to my GP in October 2017 and she referred me straight back; in January 2018 I saw the consultant who said it seemed I had either endometriosis or fibroids and I needed a diagnostic operation to make a plan of action.
And that’s happening Friday – and I’m really bloody scared.
My scar hurts daily, some days it hurts to wee, poo, move or stretch. Anything remedial, minor or urgent will be done in this operation, anything requiring a longer recovery will be done at a later date. I have no idea what’s going on in there – I know things are not all good in there, it’s so scary not knowing.
And then there’s the flashbacks from the traumatic birth four years ago – I’m trying everything I know to try and keep calm and not panic.
I find myself crying most days, wanting to not have health issues, frightened of the operation, having such vivid flashbacks of the delivery suite and theatre from last time.
I’m trying to stay positive – I know I can do this, I keep telling myself I can do anything. But it’s so hard when fear takes over.